The Cow is in My Mind
by eternite z
Summary: Zack's thought of a surefire way to make more money, but will he get too attached to his animal co-worker? Are animals even allowed on base?
1. The Big Idea

In case you're wondering, the title comes from "The cow isn't anywhere. He's inside my mind", said by a Sproutling in Legend of Mana. I still don't understand the quote, but maybe it's better that way. ^^; (I just hope it doesn't have a different meaning than what I think, because then I would feel stupid. Er, more stupid than usual. You know what I mean.) 

**The Cow is in My Mind**

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

"That's a nice suit. Too bad I can't afford it," muttered Zack, quickly flipping through a catalogue he had gotten free in the mail. "See that toaster?" He held the magazine up so the general could get a better look. "I need one...but it's not in my budget this year. Maybe, if I start saving now, I could buy one next decade." 

"It's just a toaster," Sephiroth scoffed. 

"It's not _just_ a toaster! Look, it's all white and plasticy!" he said in mock excitement, pointing to the picture again. "An' its got those neat dials that adjust how long your toast cooks and its got a cool black cord that you can plug into the wall!" 

Sephiroth simply stared at him, his expression unchanging. "Are implying that you are in need of money?" 

"Uh...yeah." The First Class SOLDIER slumped into his chair and put on his most pitiful, helpless face. "You wanna lend me-" 

"No, I do not." Sephiroth had learned not to give Zack money long ago when he needed to replace his computer mouse. 'The computer and its mouse just don't get along', he had said. 'They have their differences and fight constantly. I believe that the computer even went so far as to _mortally wound_ the mouse, so now it doesn't work.' Okay, yeah, cute story. So, the general lent him 20 gil. Two weeks later, when he still had not been repaid, Zack explained, 'The new mouse doesn't feel comfortable yet. I had to get it a new mouse pad, too.' Alright, so he'd pay him back next week... This went on for a month. 'The mouse needs to feel loved, so I bought it a computer game, the mouse is sick, he needs repair, the mouse wants to go to a party, I bought him a spiffy cover, the mou'- 

"Aw, c'mon, man! It was just a freakin' mouse. You were only out 20 gil, it's not the end of the world." 

Sephiroth snapped back to reality. "Excuse me?" he asked, bringing a hand to his head. 

"You were thinking about the mouse incident again. I can tell by your removed expression." He stared at Sephiroth, squinting his eyes slightly. 

"...Why...don't you get a job?" The general shrugged and slid a day-old newspaper towards his comrade. 

Zack sighed, for he saw that suggestion coming a mile away. "Yeah, I guess I should..." he whispered, opening to the want ads, his eyes skimming the page. "Nope." He shook his head. "Uh-uh...Ick, never...Hmm...A waiter?...Nah, black's not my color." 

Sephiroth rolled his eyes skyward as he stood up. "I've got a class to get to... Happy job hunting. And don't forget you've got the Third Class trainees today." 

"I won't..." 

"They better be _training_ this time, Zack," he said forcefully, pointing a finger in the younger man's direction. "None of that chicken dance, bunny hop, mulberry bush crap." 

Zack stood up, newspaper in hand. "Ah, you thought it was funny," he said, laughing at the thought. 

The general smiled slightly, but then grunted. "I mean it. How are we going to recruit First Class SOLDIERs if all the ones in training are skipping around hand-in-hand like imbeciles?" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Dropping the newspaper on the coffee table, Zack plopped onto his couch. He had gone through the entire paper twice, yet nothing interested him. There's always ads on TV, he thought, picking up the remote control. He turned on the set and relaxed his head on his arm. 

_Got Milk?_

"Yeah, it's in my fridge," he mumbled, turning the channel. 

_Moo-ving?_ asked the TV commercial, as a truck with a cow painted on the side graced the screen. _Then call Merry Moo-vers! We've been helping people moo-ve for over 50 years!_

Click. 

_People are discovering the delightful taste of beef-_

Click. 

_Oh, John!_

"I hate soap operas. But at least it's a show." 

_John, I love you! Don't throw away our relationship for some broken-down farm with diseased cows!_

Zack raised an eyebrow. 

_You don't understand, Margie! If I take over the farm now, when my eccentric billionaire uncle dies, I'll inherit everything!_

_You're lying, John! You want those cows more than you want me! You enjoy animal love!_

"Whoa-kay, that just got freaky!" 

Click. 

_-and on the farm he had a cow! Ei-ei-oh! Sing along, children!_

Click. 

Brrring! 

Zack turned his attention to the phone on the wall. He grunted, not wanting to get up, and was deciding whether or not to let the answering machine get it. At the last minute, he turned down the volume on the TV, and picked up the receiver. 

"Hello?" 

"Hi, Zack!" 

"Oh, hey, Aeris! How ya doing?" he asked as he made his way back to the couch. 

"I'm fine. How about you?" 

"I'm okay... Actually, I'm lookin' for a job." 

"Really? How about _cow_?" 

"What?" 

"Huh?" 

"You just said 'cow'." 

She giggled. "No, I didn't." 

"Yeah, you did." 

"No, Zack, I didn't say that," she replied more sternly. 

He threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Geez, all I've been hearing today is cow and milk and farm. Ya think it's a sign?" 

She laughed again. "What kind of sign?" 

"I dunno..." He smiled to himself. She was so cute when she laughed. "Maybe I should invest in a cow?" ...Hey...That's a good idea! "Yeah, maybe I _should_ invest in a cow! I mean, I could sell the milk, the manure, and even sell it for beef and glue!" 

"Y-you're not serious?" she asked, half laughing and half frightened. 

"Well, why not? It'll be a great way to make more money!" 

"But where will you keep it? Where will you _buy_ it? Don't you need a license or something?" 

"For a cow? Nah, they're just like big dogs with utters!" he said enthusiastically. 

She sighed, causing the phone line to crackle. "Zack, a cow...is a cow. You can't compare it to anything, because if you could, they would be _called_ 'big dogs with utters'. I know you, and you better be joking about this cow business." 

"So...you don't think I should get a cow?" 

"NO." 

"Even for a pet?" 

"If you want a pet, get a goldfish." She paused momentarily. "I've gotta go. I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

"And **write** me sometime, okay?" 

He grinned, readjusting the receiver on his shoulder. "Alright, alright!" 

"Buh-bye!" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Okay, he thought. Where do I buy a cow? Zack found himself searching through the newspaper again, this time for farm ads. 

"Poochucky Farms - Buy, lease, or rent your own livestock. Cool." He nodded to himself as he picked up the phone and dialed their number so he could get directions. This time tomorrow, he would be in business. 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Next chapter, Zack gets a cow and attempts to hide it from the general! Oh, what fun! ^-^;

1. The Big Idea2. We're in business!3. How does one find a cow?4. The truth is revealed! (dun, dun, dun!) Next >

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	2. We're in business!

Lately I've been obsessed with the Snicker's commercial about the guy and the panda picture, hence the Pretty Pretty Dancing thing in this chapter. You'll see what I mean. ^^;

**The Cow is in My Mind - Ch2**

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Zack set out early the next day to buy his new money-making machine. (i.e. the cow) The farmer was reluctant to sell the animal to Zack, for he was a SOLDIER and the man was afraid the cow would be used for military purposes. It took an hour of convincing the farmer that he was a responsible young man and the cow would have a wonderful life grazing the fields near base camp. The farmer sighed, but agreed. 

"Well, if yer gonna raise a cow, ya gotta have the basics." 

The farmer started checking off a list of things Zack would have to purchase in order to maintain his cow. By the time he had finished reading the list and the price for each item, Zack had gasped twice, stumbled once, choked three times, cracked his knuckles, bit his tongue, and was dripping in sweat. 

Cows were kinda expensive. 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

"C'mon, girl!" Zack chirped, pulling on the rope attached to the cow's neck. The bulky animal grunted and slowly followed after her new master. "You need a name. Something other than Bessy or Isabelle, though...something...original." He stopped suddenly, focusing on finding the right name. 

"Zack?" 

His head shot up upon hearing his friend call. "Hey, Cloud!" 

"Is..." Cloud walked as close as he could, not able to believe that there was a cow in front of him. "Is that a cow?" 

"Nope, it's a mutant gopher." Zack chuckled. "Of course it's a cow!" 

The younger man wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Okay....." 

"Isn't she cute?" he cooed. "...I've got it!" Zack yelled suddenly, surprising Cloud so much he almost fell over. "Her name is Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue!" 

"Pretty Pretty Dancing?" 

"Original, huh?" Zack grinned. "I'll call her BMYRPPDTS for short." 

"Why don't you just call her Barbie?" Cloud suggested. 

Zack nodded slightly, folding his arms across his chest. "Yeah, that works, too....Hey, you wanna be my first customer?" 

"What am I buying?" asked Cloud, taking a step back. 

Zack smiled and patted Barbie's head. "How about some military base-fresh milk?" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

40 gil. Not bad for the first day. 

The First Class SOLDIER strolled cautiously down the hall, dragging the cow with him. He just hoped that he could fit Barbie through his door. This wasn't the original plan, keeping the cow in his apartment, but the general was out in the field with some other soldiers, and Zack thought it better that he wait. 

After 20 minutes of pushing and shoving, Barbie finally squeezed through the door and began exploring her new home. 

"Whew," Zack breathed, going over to check the messages on his answering machine. "Hmm. Aeris called again. Better get back to her." He took one last glance at Barbie, making sure she wasn't causing any trouble, then picked up the phone and punched in Aeris' number. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Aer, it's Zack." 

"Oh, hi! I just called to see if-" 

_Mooooo!!!_

She paused. "What was that?" 

"What was what?" he asked innocently. 

"I heard a 'moo'....You bought a cow, didn't you, Zachary!" 

"Um..." 

"What are you going to do when that animal eats you out of house and home?" she asked angrily. 

Honestly, it was like she was his mother. "Seph'll spot me a couple hundred..." 

"Not after the mouse incident, he won't!" 

He jumped. "You heard about that?" 

"I can't believe- No, I _can_ believe you'd buy a cow." 

"What's the big deal? You got somethin' against cows?" 

"It's just...Zack, you couldn't keep your rock garden alive, how do you expect to take care of a cow?" 

"Hey, now that wasn't my fault!" he shouted defensively. "I forgot about it being on the floor when I went to sweep, that's all." 

"I give up. Maybe you _should_ keep the cow. You're so protective of it..." She trailed off. 

"Thanks, Aeris, I knew you'd understand!" 

A sudden knock at the door gave Zack a means of escape. 

"Somebody's here. I'll talk to ya later!" he said, hanging up abruptly. Zack made sure the cow was in the kitchen before he swung open the door. 

"Uh, Sephiroth!" he choked. "What's up?" 

The general stared at him with a strange expression on his face. "There's an odd smell coming from the hallway. What are you cooking?" 

"Cooking? I'm not cooking anything." 

"There's only one thing that smells as bad as this and that's your cooking," Sephiroth replied, grinning slightly. 

_Mooooo!!!_

Zack cussed mentally. That stupid cow had the worst timing! 

"What was that?" 

"What was what?" asked Zack, feeling an overwhelming sensation of déjà vu. 

"That noise. It sounded like..." The general switched his position, trying to get a better look inside the apartment. 

"Aw, that was just Barbie!" Zack blurted. 

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and leaned in closer, thinking he hadn't heard correctly. "Who?" 

"My...uh...girlfriend, Barbie." 

"I thought you were dating someone named Aeris." Sephiroth eyed him suspiciously. 

"Oh, yeah," Zack mumbled dumbly, not knowing what to say. 

The general backed away and asked the question Zack feared most: "Shouldn't you be giving a course in materia usage right now?" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

All Zack could think about during the lesson was his close call with Sephiroth. He was incredibly lucky the general just shrugged it off and didn't ask to search the apartment. The bad thing, though, was that Sephiroth refused to leave until he made sure Zack went to class. So now Barbie was left all alone, unsupervised, in Zack's apartment. 

"What does red do again?" a student yelled from the back of the room. 

"Summons magic," Zack muttered. 

"I thought you said green did that!" 

"Yeah, whatever!" he snapped. 

The kid wrinkled his brow. "How did you get to First Class if you don't know your materia?" 

"I dunno- I mean, I _do_ know my materia, I'm just a little preoccupied right now..." Zack couldn't stop thinking about all the cow pies he'd have to clean up when he returned. 

"Preoccupied by what?" the boy asked. 

"I was thinking about the tragic results a hoard of rabid monkeys would have on the Shinra Building," he retorted. "And how the price of mangos has skyrocketed." 

The boy, somewhat afraid of angering his teacher further, replied, "...Oh." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

After rushing through the halls and pounding the elevator button mercilessly, Zack finally arrived back at his door. He threw the door open, expecting to be greeted by the cow and overwhelmed by the smell, but.... 

Nothing. 

Literally, nothing. No smell, no mess- 

"No cow!" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Leave it to Zack to lose a cow. ^^;; I wonder what happened to it...

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	3. How does one find a cow?

Upped the rating to PG-13, 'cause of the cuss words in this chapter. There aren't many and I've been insulted with worse words by an eight year-old....but that's another story. ^^; 

**The Cow is in My Mind - Ch3**

«»«»«»«»«»«»«» 

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!" 

Zack anxiously walked in a circle, his hands shaking in worry. 

"Now I did it! I went and lost the cow! Shit! How could this happen?!" He stopped abruptly, wondering exactly how that huge cow, who hardly fit through his doorway, could get out of his apartment by itself with the door _shut_… "Yeah, how the hell _did_ that happen?" he asked, staring at the scuffs in the wood floor left by Barbara's hooves. 

"Great. The cow just up and goes, leaving me to wax the floor! I swear that animal doesn't appreciate the things I do for her!" he huffed. Zack took one more look around the room, sighed and walked out of the apartment, hoping to find the runaway beef. 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

"Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue!!!" 

...No answer. Zack frantically ran further down the hall. 

"Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue!!!" he called again. Annoyed that he was greeted with silence once more, he stopped and put a hand on his hip. "For the love of everything good and carbohydrated, where is she?!" Zack sighed deeply, then continued down the hall. "BMYRPPDTS!" 

"Uh...Zack?" Cloud walked up from behind and gently tapped his shoulder. 

"Y-yes?!" He spun around, not aware of who it was. 

"Whatcha doin'?" 

"Oh, Cloud, thank God you're here! I lost Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebec-" 

"You _lost_ the cow?!" he screamed. 

Zack's hands flew up as a warning. "Shhhh!" 

"But _you_ were screaming..." Cloud answered meekly. 

"Whatever! Just help me find her!" 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

After recruiting Cloud to Zack's search and rescue mission, they headed off towards the cafeteria, hoping _not_ to find the cow there. (Because if a cow wonders into an eating room filled with hundreds of soldiers who have had nothing to eat but gruel for two years, chances are the cow is going to be in the form of hamburgers when found.) 

Cloud headed off towards one of the many full tables. "Have you seen a cow anywhere?" 

"You callin' me a cow?" An older, gruff-looking man slowly stood up. 

Cloud took a fearful step back. "I never said..." 

"Hey, back off!" Zack pushed in front of Cloud so he could stare into the soldiers eyes. The man kept his gaze for a while, then grunted and sat down. Zack turned around towards his friend. "And Cloud...the cow is a s-e-c-r-e-t." 

"Oh, yeah..." 

"That means no one's supposed to know about it," Zack explained further. 

Cloud nodded in understanding. "Okay." 

"Ya just told our secret to a group of seven First Class SOLDIERs." 

Cloud stared at him blankly. 

"That is b-a-d." 

"...Sorry." 

Zack sent one more death glare at the soldier in the lunchroom before turning back to Cloud. "Alright, now continue looking for Barbie _discreetly_." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

The two headed out of the cafeteria and made their way to the field, thinking that Barbie could be grazing. The first thing Zack caught sight of was General Sephiroth and his troops, training. 

"Don't go anywhere near the general!" Zack yelled at Cloud, who was already halfway there. 

He stopped suddenly and glanced back toward the general. "I thought I saw-" 

"Okay, Cloud, if you're going to help me, ya gotta be a little bit smarter..." 

"But-" 

"Ya see, the whole reason I'm worried about finding Barbie is because if the general finds her first, I'm in deep shit." 

"I know, but-" 

"So whatever you do, DON'T ask the general if he's seen a cow! ....Okay...?" 

"Zack-" 

"Do you understand, Cloud?" he asked threateningly. 

"....Yes." 

"Good." Zack's eyes surveyed the area. "Why don't you check over there," he said, pointing to a patch of grass leading up a hill. 

"....Alright," he sighed and headed off in that direction. 

Zack started walking towards Sephiroth, hoping to strike up a friendly conversation, which would calm his nerves. 

"Lose something?" the general called. 

"Uh...what?" Zack's pace quickened until he was a few feet in front of him. He grinned nervously, hoping Sephiroth was talking about his missing sock, instead of Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pre- 

"Did you lose something?" Sephiroth asked again. "You seem worried..." 

"Er...no...no. Everything's all here..." He scratched the back of his head. "Why do you ask?" 

"The strangest thing happened today..." 

"Oh, r-really?" 

"I found this cow-" 

"You found Barbie?! Is she okay, is she hurt?!" 

Sephiroth stared at Zack, who just realized his mistake. 

"Dammit." 

"So the cow is yours?" he asked, making it more of a statement than a question. 

"I never said that!" Zack yelled, as a lame attempt to save himself. 

"And you named it BMYRPPDTS." The general shook his head and sighed. 

"Actually, her name is Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue. It wouldn't fit on the dog tag, though..." 

Sephiroth wrinkled his brow. He really didn't care what its name was. "Why would you buy a farm animal?" 

"Hey, that 'farm animal' makes good money!" 

"I know, I made 15 gil already..." the general mumbled to himself. 

Zack's eyes brightened. "So you'll let me keep 'er?" 

"Not on your life." 

"Aww, c'mon!" he whined, folding his hands. "It's my money source! If you take the cow away, I'll be poor! And then everyone will hate you, because you made a helpless little soldier, who risks his life everyday for his country, suffer!" 

They stood in silence, Zack with a pitiful look on his face, and Sephiroth with one raised eyebrow. 

"Tough luck." 

"You're mean and unreasonable," he pouted. 

The general walked closer, pointing a finger at him. "You're crazy, have no respect for authority, and just plain odd. What made you think you could bring livestock onto base camp?" 

Zack shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time..." 

"But it doesn't now, does it?" he asked, standing inches away. 

"Well...n-no," Zack choked. "But that's because you're looking at me all threatening-like!" 

"I want the cow out of here before 6 p.m." 

"Where am I supposed to send her?" 

"I don't care." Sephiroth took a step backwards. "Sell it to a meat farm." 

Zack gasped. "I couldn't do that! I've grown too attached!" 

"......" 

"How would you feel if the next steak you had you could call by name?!" 

"......" 

"Besides...I don't think cows are used for meat." 

"Then sell it back to the farm." Sephiroth handed Zack a long rope. "I found it by that patch of grass." He pointed the place out for him and Zack slowly trudged in that direction. "Zack?" 

He turned around. 

"When you sell it, choose money over magic beans." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

A large, white and black animal, stood grazing at the far end of the field. Zack jogged over to the cow and carefully wrapped the rope around her neck. 

"Well, girl. Looks like this is goodbye," he said, leading the animal away from the pasture. He took another look at her, trying to freeze her face in his memory. 

Wait. 

....Didn't Barbie have brown spots? 

Zack stopped walking and stared at the cow at the end of the leash. He hadn't noticed before, he was so caught up in getting to her. Crap, what happened, did it multiply? 

"Nah, that's impossible..." 

He stood there, dumbfounded. So...if this wasn't BMYRPPDTS, where was she? 

And whose cow was this? 

< Prev 1. The Big Idea2. We're in business!3. How does one find a cow?4. The truth is revealed! (dun, dun, dun!) Next >

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	4. The truth is revealed! (dun, dun, dun!)

Well, here ya go. A chapter 4 for your reading...amusement. ^^; Some people asked for a fourth chapter and I did just _stop_ the story, so it was probably needed. Enjoy. ^-^ 

**The Cow is in My Mind - Ch4**

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

When Zack realized the cow the general had seen was not Barbie, he had a brilliant idea: sell this cow back to the farm and keep Barbie to continue selling milk. He'd make twice as much money! So, he set off that same day (like he had a choice) with the black-spotted cow and headed for Poochucky Farms. 

Upon arriving, Zack tied the cow to a fence and headed into the barn. 

"Excuse me?" he said, causing the man in the room to turn around. 

"Yeah? What can I do fer ya?" 

"I'm here to sell back my cow." He sighed. "It...just didn't work out." 

"Are you saying my cow is defective?" asked the farmer menacingly, flipping the scythe in his hand. 

Zack back-stepped. "Er...no...no. The cow's just peachy." 

"Oh, good." The man smiled warmly and set down his farm tool. " 'Cause if you had gotten a cow that was less than satisfactory, I would've paid you for your trouble." 

"Actually, I did notice that she produces less milk on Saturdays," he said coolly, hoping the farmer was...well, stupid. 

"Are you lying to me now, boy? Because the way I sees it, **you** should be paying **me** to use the animal for military purposes." 

Zack let his head drop back in annoyance. "For the last time, old man, the cow was NOT used for military purposes!" 

"Then what have you been using it for?" the farmer asked suspiciously. 

"I sell the milk!" 

"Oh, so you have a permit." 

That caught Zack's attention. "What?" 

"Well, ya can't just market your milk, ya gotta have it approved by the health authorities." 

"So I've been selling milk illegally?" 

"You have?!" 

"I didn't know!" Zack defended, worried that the health authorities were going to hunt him down. 

"I sold my baby to a common criminal?" The farmer stepped back in shock. 

"I'm not a criminal, I'm a First Class SOLDIER!" 

The man gasped. "You work for them Shinra bastards?" 

Zack slapped his hands on the sides of his legs. "I told you I was in SOLDIER when I bought BMYRPPDTS!" 

"Why are you speaking in code? Is this room bugged?" 

Zack raised an eyebrow at the lunatic, seriously debating on just hijacking him and running off with the gil. "No," he replied flatly. 

There was a long silence between the two, in which time Zack calmed down. 

"Look, man." He sighed. "I just want my money back, that's all." 

The farmer studied him carefully, scratching his chin. "Well...alright." 

"Alright? Now it's 'alright'?" 

"Did you bring 'er with you?" 

"Yeah, she's outside." He decided not to press the issue further and just show the man the cow. 

They walked outside together and Zack brought the livestock closer to the farmer. 

"This ain't my cow," he said calmly. 

"What? How can you tell?" 

"All my cows are brown." 

"How can ALL of your cows be brown?" he huffed angrily. 

"I only gots two." 

Zack dropped the leash, raising his arms to the sky. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this animal!?" 

The farmer shook his head lazily. "Not my problem." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

"Great." The SOLDIER slowly made his way back to his apartment for a good night's rest. "Now there are two cows running around and I've been a criminal for three days and didn't even know it." Zack sighed and jumped into bed, not bothering to take his uniform off. He tied the 'new' cow to a tree far away from the base and hoped that it would still be there in the morning. Tomorrow he would have to look for Barbie and, as much as he hated to do it, sell her back to the farm. 

He sighed again, wondering how he was going to find the cow, when he looked practically _everywhere_ today. He'd have to ask Cloud to help him again, even though he didn't do much the last time... It was still vital to keep the cow a secret from Sephiroth, considering he thought Zack took it back. What would he say if he found out there were two cows? He might not say anything. Just one swipe... That would get his point across...and leave Zack broken and bleeding somewhere. 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

"Psst! Cloud!" 

The younger man looked up from his plate, a half-squeezed packet of ketchup in hand. "What?" 

Zack motioned for him. "C'mear!" 

Cloud took another look at his french fries, sighed, and trudged over to Zack, who was standing behind a pole in the cafeteria. "Yeah?" 

"I need your 'help' again," he said, making quotation marks with his fingers. 

He wrinkled his brow. "What for?" 

"Barbie's still missing!" 

"But I thought you took her back yesterday," responded Cloud, who began slurping up what ketchup was left in the packet. 

"Give me that!" Zack grabbed the packet from him and threw it in a nearby trash can. "Look, we gotta find Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca -" 

"Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue." Cloud sighed, his hand still in the position to hold the ketchup. "Please, just call her 'the cow' or 'Barbie'. It takes too long the other way." 

"I've got the black-spotted cow outside tied to a tree," he explained. 

"Then what's the problem?" 

Zack stared at him. "I need to find Barbie, Cloud. Barbie's brown!" 

"No she's not. Well, not any more." 

The entire world around him seemed to stop. "...What do you mean?" asked Zack in a dangerously low voice. He walked closer to Cloud, not wanting to miss his response. 

"I painted the spots black." 

"You did what?" 

"I painted the spots black," he answered, as if it were a normal, everyday practice. 

"But why?!" 

"General Sephiroth told me to." 

"Why would he tell you to do that?" 

"I dunno." He shrugged. "He mumbled something about the bunny hop and...mice? I didn't know what he was talking about." 

"Dammit!" 

"What?" 

"That little -- how could he do that to me?!" 

"Do what?" 

Zack put a hand to his head. "The black spots, Cloud." 

"Sephiroth didn't do that, I did." 

"I am well aware, thank you. But he _told_ you to do it." 

"Yeah, he did. So what's your point?" 

Zack closed his eyes. "...Please leave now, Cloud. Your dumbness might be contagious." 

"I was just trying to help, geez!" he yelled, offended. 

Zack sighed. "I know, I'm sorry... It's just that sometimes you can be...how can I put it so I won't hurt your feelings? ....Vacuous. Yeah, that's a good word. Vacuous." 

"...." 

"Well, now that I know the spots were painted..." He sent a menacing glance towards Cloud. "All I have to do is wash her...and pray that the black comes off." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

And so, Zack washed the cow. 

Yup..... 

.....The entire process was rather long and boring, so we'll just say that now Barbie smells of Salon Selectives and is the prettiest cow this side of Junon. 

_She **is** the prettiest cow this side of Junon,_ thought Zack. He pondered it a little longer, but then decided that showing BMYRPPDTS in a cow show would be too expensive. The entrance fee alone would put him back two years. 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

Zack ended up skipping a class in hand-to-hand combat (one that _he_ was supposed to be teaching) so he would have enough time to say goodbye to Barbie. The two headed back to Poochucky Farms and entered the barn where the old farmer was waiting. 

"I knew you'd be back," he said. "They always come back..." 

Zack smiled wryly, trying to ignore the comment. "I wanna give you back your cow." 

"Sure, son. Is this her?" 

He felt like saying, See any other cow attached to my arm?, but held back the urge. "Yeah, this is Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue..." he trailed off. Letting go of a pet was a hard thing. 

"Well..." The farmer circled Barbie, inspecting her. "She looks clean enough, considering the company she was with. ...Shinra Soldiers, an' all," he added, with a sound of disgust. 

"So can I have my money now?" 

"Why, the money won't come to you any faster than a squirrel running from a pack of prairie dogs through the Cactus Desert while the moogles are having tea and wreaking havoc upon all creation with their pointy teeth that aren't clean because moogles don't go to the dentist because no dentist is trained to take care of moogles on the fourth Tuesday of a 30-day month." 

"....What the _hell_ is that supposed to mean?" 

"It means ya owe me money for renting the cow for four days." 

"I paid you for that!" he complained. 

"Nope. Ya paid me fer feed, brushes, a bell, an engraved dog tag, and all that other stuff. Ya didn't pay me fer the cow," the farmer said, waving a finger at him. 

"Crap. How much?" 

"It-" 

"Wait! No, don't tell me. Do you take credit card?" Zack asked, pulling his wallet from his pants pocket. 

"Yep." 

He raised an eyebrow. "...Really?" 

"That's what'cha asked, isn't it?" 

Zack nodded dumbly and handed the man a small piece of plastic. He had to pay the fee anyway, he may as well wait for a better day to see what the amount came to. The farmer headed off towards the far end of the barn and came back shortly after; Zack's credit card in one hand, a receipt in the other. 

"Wow, I even get a receipt," said Zack, in mock excitement. 

The man gave him an annoyed look, then walked Barbie out to the pasture. Zack trailed along behind, wanting to say goodbye. 

"Um..." He slowly turned toward the farmer, his hands behind his head. "Do you think you could give me a little time to say goodbye?" 

The man stared at him like he was crazy, but agreed. 

"So, Barbie...I guess this is it." Zack sighed deeply. "Maybe I'll come visit you sometime. Would you like that?" 

"...Moo." 

"Yeah, me too.... Well, um...bye." 

Barbie lowered her head and began tearing up the grass beneath her. She chewed lazily, grunting every so often. 

Zack smiled slightly. "I'll miss ya too, girl." 

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

I like Cloud. Really, I do. It's just so easy to make fun of him, y'know? ^-^; And I forgot where SOLDIER was stationed. Midgar, Junon? Something like that. ^^; 

Alrighty, so, this is _really_ the end now. Honest... I hope you liked it! I have a feeling I'm gonna stick Zack in a lot of my other fics, too, so watch for them...er...if you like Zack. ^-^ 

< Prev 1. The Big Idea2. We're in business!3. How does one find a cow?4. The truth is revealed! (dun, dun, dun!)

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